I am still no further forward with my get fab for Christmas regime! That will come as no surprise to anyone I’m sure. The urge for a large honey sandwich is just about overwhelming me and it’s only mid morning. Mmmmm fresh soft brown bread, smothered in olivani lite ( I do try!!) and dripping with lovely golden liquid honey, sweetness..mmmmmmmm..drool – straight into the Homer Simpson response.

“STOP IT!  Right now!!!! – it’s Carrot sticks for you my girl!” blares Group Sargent Major Conscience.

“In fact forget the carrot sticks – get off that flabby butt and take the dog for a walk! Hup! Two! Three! four…!”

“Mam!, YES! Mam!”

Then I start to hear the  “We-ee want our Mol-enberg” bread ad in my head. I try to change it to “I-I want my c-o-ole-slaw”  but it’s just not the same –  I’m doomed.

So I sit here for another 3 hours feeling guilty then finally give in and have a sandwich…

You know, it’s amazing, the minute the word ‘diet’ or phrase ‘loose weight’ enters my head I  instantly become ravenously hungry. I can go for weeks and not really think about food or meals or the lack of them even. I Just have to begin to think the word  “Di…et” and  BANG!  Desperate for a muffin, or “Time to loose a few kilos” WALLOP! – craving caramel slice.  It doesn’t matter how small or quiet the thought is or even that I don’t finish it, the result is always the same. Out of control grazing!

This time of year is particularly bad of course. I start buying the Christmas chocolates in around late October on the pretense that I’m spreading the costs out.  You do it too huh?

“Well if I buy some now I won’t have to pay for everything all at once in later!”  Shrewd thinking Arty!

What always happens is that I keep having to replace the stash (for some unknown reason!) and end up buying about 65 separate lots of “Christmas chocs” and spend a small fortune.

“So where’s the problem?” I hear you ask?

Well,  depending on your views on:

a) addiction,

b) self image/body fat index thingy

c) healthy eating habits

d) stupid waste of money

There may or may not be a problem (discuss!)

Actually I made a pact with myself  last year not to do “Merry Crimble choccies” at all – no-one needs them right!

I will just work my way through 8 or 9 wonderful fruit cakes with almond and butter icing. Well it isn’t Christmas without the cake is it! mmmmmmmcake…..

Right off to walk the dog. And I’m really going to start today – REALLY

I thought you might find this info useful – or not?

http://www.aolhealth.com/diet/basics/crazy-diets

Deck the halls with bows of Holly, mistletoe, tinsel, thousands of flashing fairy lights, snow globes, garlands of poinsettias, angels, reindeer, wreaths, candles and glitter – you betchya! I’m in!

I am completely hooked on Christmas decorations. Well more specifically Christmas trees. Actually if I was honest, any form of glitter will do! It is the most visible of my ‘More’ issues.  Luckily only a seasonal affliction, although I always have a big battle with myself, come 12^th night to put it all away. I really struggle not to leave the whole lot up all year. I have to admit that most years, bits and pieces do get left in situ to become part of the general clutter! Just yesterday some of last year’s left-over Christmas stuff finally got, not actually put away, but re-assigned to fit this year’s scheme!

There! The cats out of the bag – I have started all-ready.

“What’s your point?  Halloween’s well over!”

Down with the pumpkins and spider webs and up with the trees and robins—I say!

Very soon shops will be fusion decorating for Christmas’een or Hallowistmas. Imagine the fun, dunking for Hallowistmas puddings and trawling round the neighborhood in fancy dress to get presents, singing such favorites as We Three Witches of  Dunsanane are and Oh Pumpkin head, Oh Pumpkin head, how bright you eyes are shining. These festivities would begin in early September and finishing just before St. Patrick’s Easter Month! (Keep an eye open for a huge, drunken, green bunny called Dermot throwing chocolate liqueurs at people.)

I have lived in the Southern Hemisphere for …em, well, a long time now and I still can’t get used to Summer Christmasses. It’s just plain WRONG! Although the way the weather is here in Windy Wellington at the moment, we may well have a white Christmas yet!

I can handle the warmth, the festive sarong and jandles, even the salad for Christmas dinner but I can’t cope with the long hours of daylight. It just ruins the whole production. By the time it’s dark enough for the Christmas lights to sparkle and glitter it’s time to go to bed. Wah Wah! It may come as a bit of a shock to all of you shivering in the cold, to discover that I even miss the snow. Although, I have to say, only for the few romantic days round Christmas not for the other 6 months of winter.

Most towns here hardly bother with Christmas lights, apart from the fact that they are being run by a miserable collection of Scrooges who are too busy worrying about Holiday PCness,  what would be the point? No-one is walking around in the middle of the night to see the glorious displays anyway. So we are stuck with tedious ‘designer’ holiday banners hanging from the lamp-posts. Yay! At least Wellington has managed red and green images of stylised candles this year which faintly festive.

Yes! I know there are a goodly number of issues in this paragraph, so you lot can discuss them or comment!

What do you think about PC “holidays” Bring back CHRISTMAS!! – My favourite hot chestnut (we don’t have those either)

What do you think about our civic “holiday” decorations responsibilities – should we pay for wonderland?

When I wer’t young, tree went up on’t 23^rd Dec or there ‘bouts!

Well suffice it to say, that unless I get on with it early I just won’t get the Christmas vibe at all. So I don my best antlers, light up Rudolph nose, stick on Neil Diamond’s Christmas CD and start putting my trees up late Nov/early Dec.

Ok! Ok!  I know it’s getting worse, I must admit this year is early, even by my standards but I’m just throwing up lame excuses for my problem! I have only one small tree so far. I still have at least 2 to go, one in the sitting room and one in The Grand Shrew’s downtown office (that’s a cracker!). Oh what the…. I make no more excuses, I luvvvvvvvv Christmas trees.

You Know, I have been laboring under the misapprehension that almost everyone from the southern hemisphere is just hanging out for a REAL Christmas, snow, lights, cold, dark etc. and that once they’d experienced the joy of a northern hemisphere Christmas they’d hate the hot version. WRONG, wrong, wrong, wrong!!!! Much to my extreme surprise I was completely WRONG! I know lots of people from here who have spent Christmas in the frozen north and just couldn’t wait to get back to the beaches and BBQ’s. As a general rule, everyone loves what they grew up with, fond childhood memories, whatever they are seem to dictate later preferences for Christmas traditions.

So what’s your idea of the best Christmas????? Favourite tradition?

Fab FREE Shrew Christmas Ecards

There I was, last night musing—isn’t musing cool? So much more elegant and sophisticated than merely thinking and I often find, a good deal less painful.

“Mmmm…” she mused intelligently, nibbling the leg of her glasses, a sardonic frown playing thoughtfully about her attractive, lightly furrowed eyebrows, “will I have another marshmallow?”

Anyway, there I was musing last night over the state of my expanding waistline. “Why? Why? Why?”  I pondered—pondering is fun too but a little too casual for my purposes last night, so I went back to musing.  I finished my chips and chocolate bar in a state of confusion. “What’s going wrong with my glands?” Alarmed and desperately seeking focus, I rushed off to the kitchen to graze on some of last nights leftovers.

Then it occurred to me!

Of course! That’s it!

I need to drink more water and watch telly sitting on a pilates ball!!!

Well my darlings the sorry truth of the matter is that little ole’ Arty shrew is an addict!

“Hello, My name is Arty Shrew and I’m a MORE addict!”

Yes! I really am! I am completely addicted to MORE.  More food, more drink, more fun, more shoes, more exercise (when I do it!) more telly, yes even…more work, more earings, more air, more bubble wrap, more tea (LOTS more)!  MORE, MORE give me MORE!

You name it I want more!

Moderation in all things…hmmmm! Isn’t moderation something strict to do with exams?

Moderation-schmoderation – I’m with Olvier Twist “Please Sir can I have some MORE”!  Mind you the poor boy DID have an excuse, unlike some others, not a million miles away…ahem!

Mama Shrew amazes me. She will have 2 squares of a chocolate bar, neatly fold it up and say “Lets put it away for tomorrow.”

“Noooooo don’t put it away..” I cry silently, dying of disappointment. Sometimes I go to visit her weeks later and the same bar is still sitting there in the cupboard – WHAT the…?? She assures me it’s another one but I think she’s only saying that to make me feel less of a pig – dear soul, she’s like that.

Phrases you will never hear Me say…

Let’s put it away for tomorrow

No really – half that much

Just give me 1 small potato

No pudding thanks – I’m full

I’ll just have the green salad

I’m saving mine for later

Small fries – actually no fries thanks

Phrases I say often..

Ok just another

Let’s finish the packet

Anyone for seconds?

Up-size mine please

My I see the pudding menu?

I’ll take 10 of those

Aren’t you going to eat that? Pass it ‘ere!

Well I’m off to eat my chocolate cereal and cream, buttered toast and marmalade whilst sitting on my pilates ball.

No seriously, I’m having a small bowl of cereal and fruit – I  SOOO AM!!!!

Well it’s happened again! How old am I?

Oi! ……That’s a bit rude!

That’s better, I’m 32.

“On a very dark night!”

Who said that?

How the Hell did that roll of disgustingness get itself attached round my waist so quickly? It’s only been about 10 minutes since I got rid of the little blighter last time!

Homing fat – ewww the very idea!

Nope! I simply can’t imagine how it happened!

I don’t suppose a whole winter of eating indiscriminate amounts of pretty much anything I like and miniscule amounts of exercise had very much to do with it.

I blame nature. It’s global warming stress syndrome. My body is naturally preparing itself for crisis!

Damn you body! Why can you never naturally prepare yourself for supermodel glamour!!

This is what I look like – IT IS!!!

Not THIS – Nooooooooo!

Really though! I should know better.

Now I’ll have to get on with getting into shape again pretty fast or yet another summer will be spent in an ‘arty’ selection of diaphanous kaftans and ‘romantic’ floaty shirts.

Right that’s it!  The gauntlet is down (well it doesn’t fit my chubby hands at the moment anyway!)

Sveldt for summer! Hmmmmmmmmmmm!